The Storm Returns, A Rainbow Shatters

October 28th, 11 days after my last OB appointment. I had spotting again while getting myself ready for work. Knowing what I experienced a month earlier, I tried to relax, slow down a little bit. But in the back of my mind something felt off. Like an impending doom feeling. I still had morning sickness like usual, so I went about my day. We bought a fetal doppler for home just because of our history. I had just heard the heartbeat at home on October 19th after I got home from CPR recertification. 

I got out the doppler when I got home from work. I tried for about 5 or 6 minutes and could only find my heartbeat. It had not taken me this long to find it before once I had figured out how to properly use the doppler. My heart sank. I tried again around 1am hoping the baby was just hiding. Still, just my own heartbeat. I tried one last time at 2am. I got my own heartbeat and a strange whistling sound that would register as 155bpm. But I knew it wasn’t the baby, not even close to that galloping sound I had heard before. 

I go back to bed, Brandan is awake. I cry. We already know what’s happened and start to process another loss. If it wasn’t for bad luck, we’d have no luck at all. I tell Brandan this is my fault, my body failed our baby twice. I tell him maybe I shouldn’t have pushed to try again so soon. He tells me it is not my fault and waiting could have yielded the same outcome. He rubs my back while I cry myself to sleep. We planned on announcing our pregnancy on November 1st.

Halloween. I get to my OBs office around 11am and explain what’s going on. I sent a message to my OB on Saturday night about what was happening. She suggested an ultrasound, and 1/2 an hour later we were waiting for an ultrasound. Brandan had a doctor’s appointment of his own he had to get to so my mom stayed with me for the ultrasound.

After the worst ultrasound experience of my life, my doctor called to tell me the report from the ultrasound showed no fetal heartbeat. Confirming what we already knew. My OB tells me she is so sorry and that it’s the last thing she expected. Ironically, the hematoma had completely resolved too.

We met her in the office to talk in person. I tell her the whole story and that I had a feeling the baby was gone. I ask what the next step is now that we’ve had 3 losses. She says we can discuss seeing a specialist once the shock wears off and we can process this. 

I meet Brandan at home. He’s already told Makenzee, but I try to be in good spirits for her so we can trick or treat. We trick or treat with my mom and dad. That night I went in to kiss Makenzee and Connor goodnight. I squeeze them a little tighter. Makenzee knows I’m sad, I can see it in her eyes. She tells me she wants a brother or sister. I tell her we’re trying, but I’m not sure what’s wrong with me right now. I clung to my Logan bear that night. I cry for him and for this baby. This loss is hard, but I don’t think I could’ve handled another 3rd trimester loss. I would have needed a 72 hour psych hold if I had lost another baby in the third trimester.

I am scheduled for a D&C tomorrow morning and I’m so scared. I don’t want to not feel pregnant anymore, it’s all I have of this baby besides that initial ultrasound picture. I’m devastated, but I’m more desperate for answers than ever before. We will have genetic testing done on the baby tomorrow and I hope it gives some insight. We can also learn gender, but I’m not sure I want to know, at least right now I’m not sure. 

I’ve already started research for when we see the specialist. I have a list of different disorders I want to discuss and possibly be tested for that could explain our losses. I’ve dug into our family history a little more for anything that could be helpful to the specialist. I hope we get an answer and it’s something we can treat and increase our chances for bringing home one more baby. I really don’t think one more baby is too much to ask for. Brandan and I are 25 years old, there has to be some explanation besides “it’s just bad luck”. I hope we get answers, because if not, if everything is “normal”, I’m afraid our baby journey will be over and I’m not ready to accept that. I want to find an answer for Logan, for this baby, for Makenzee and Connor in case this is something they can get passed down to them. I owe my babies this.

People judged me when I had Makenzee at 20 and Connor at 22. I was told I’d never finish nursing school, that I would “ruin my life”. I’m more grateful for those 2 more than anyone on Earth will ever know. Maybe we got so lucky even having them at all. I can’t help but think, what if we had waited until now to start having kids and ended up not having any at all? I also can’t help but think what if Logan and now this baby are trying to tell me there is something going on with my health? 

I have to find the answer. 

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