So today I had a D & C procedure, and I know Logan was with me. I saw him.
I brought the blanket a coworker had made for Logan with me, because I was so scared to do this today. My track record with anesthesia was less than stellar. I get pretty bad nausea and vomiting.
Last night when I couldn’t sleep, I asked Logan to give me some kind of sign to comfort me.
After a dose of calming medication was given this morning, I was wheeled to my operating room. I vaguely remember getting on the operating table from my bed and having my arms strapped down. I also vaguely remember taking two deep breaths from a mask.
I was only asleep for 45 minutes during the procedure and another 20 in the recovery room. In those short 65 minutes I was asleep, I saw Logan. There was a cloud like background all around him. I don’t remember what he was wearing, but he looks about 1 year old. A spitting image of his big brother, Connor. Logan smiled and waved to me. I couldn’t touch him so I smile and waved back at him. After I waved a little girl in a pink blanket came into focus. She had to have been 6 or 7 months old. I couldn’t make out her details or features, just that she was a girl.
I’m not sure what this all means, if this baby we lost was a girl and Logan is telling me he’s ok and she’s ok and that he’s got her. Or if that’s a glimpse of what our future could hold? I may never know. But being able to see Logan’s eyes and his beautiful smile, it’s just an indescribable feeling. I almost feel as if a weight has been lifted.
I do still miss Logan with every fiber of my being though. That will never change. I know he is always with me, and he showed me that today.
Logan, thank you so much for coming to me today. I needed that more than you know.