182 Days

November 13, 2016.

4,368 hours.

26 weeks.

182 days. 

6 months since we’ve been without Logan. 

Life after loss really alters the perception of time. 6 months seems like a long time ago and like yesterday at the same time. 

182 days seems like such a long time when you’re waiting for something, like the hours creep by. But when you’re moving away from a moment in time, 182 days seems so small, and move so quick. 

I still have flashes of images in my mind from those 2 days in the hospital. They feel like yesterday some days. And other days it feels like a bad dream, but my mind detaches, like maybe it never really happened. Some days those images are like an out of body experience. It’s hard to explain.

It’s hard to be closing in on the end of 2016 knowing it’s the last part of the year that Logan was still alive in. I’m never going to be in the same place where he was still alive ever again. But I know that also puts me one day, one week, one month, one  year closer to holding my son eternally in Heaven. 

I’m struggling to write tonight, because today was a hard day to get through. Today Logan should be 6 months old. Learning to crawl, teething. Doing all the things any 6 month old would be.

My heart aches for my baby tonight. It’s hard to believe it’s been 6 months since I’ve held him already, and time will just continue to go forward from here. 

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2 thoughts on “182 Days

  1. Even though the sun was shining outside today, I know it was cloudy for you. I hope your writings are helping you not understand, but continue to grow and heal to a healthy future. No one can understand why this happens; just that it does. Logan is and will always be by your side.

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    1. I don’t think I will ever understand why. Writing has been healing. I’m just in survival mode right now, but I hope I can eventually get to a place where I don’t cry every time I talk or write about Logan. I hope I can get to a place where his memory is peaceful and doesn’t hurt so much.

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