Thankful

I know what you’re thinking,

“You lost a child, how can you be thankful?”

Being thankful doesn’t exactly come easy these days. But I am still thankful despite the struggles. I have a greater appreciation for things I once took for granted. 

With Makenzee and Connor both, I went a week over my due date and was “over pregnancy”. Now in hindsight, I’m thankful that my body was able to sustain not one, but 2 pregnancies to 40 weeks 6 days and 41 weeks respectively. It was an experience I took for granted. I took it for granted with Logan too. I knew what my body was capable of and deemed myself “normal and boring” with each check up. I assumed my body would do what it did best, go over my due date. 

When I look back on my pregnancy now, it makes me sad I didn’t make it to 41 weeks. But what I did get, and what I’m thankful for was a beautiful 35 weeks with Logan snuggled safe and warm, never knowing the pain or fears of the outside world. I’m thankful he knew he was loved, though I don’t know if he really knew just how much. 

Though my heart hurts to be given a child and have him taken away before I could meet him, I’m thankful to have witnessed his existence at all. I can’t imagine a life where he never existed at all, it’s too abstract. 

As crazy as it sounds I’m thankful for the horrible morning sickness his pregnancy gave me, letting me know he was growing like he should. I’m thankful for every little kick and jab to my ribs and bladder letting me know I wasn’t alone during a hard day. I’m even thankful for the many trips to the bathroom at night. I’m thankful for all the little things that I felt would last forever, but were actually gone in the blink of an eye. 

Even though this story has a sad ending, I’m thankful God chose me to be Logan’s momma because he knew, long before I did, that I was strong enough even though I feel so weak. 

This year, I’m thankful for Logan. And if I had to go back, I would forever chose him despite the outcome, knowing I would have my heart broken. That’s how thankful I am for his existence. ❤

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