One of the toughest obstacles to navigate after child loss is the self blame. When your baby passes in the womb, it’s hard to not blame yourself as you were the only one to carry your child.
I often wonder why my body failed Logan. What possibly could have happened in that 35th week that made his heart stop beating? When you experience a loss with no obvious answers, you look for answers where there may not be one. Some loss moms begin to blame themselves because nothing else makes sense. We often ask how we didn’t know something was wrong or start asking all the what ifs. What if I had done this? What if I hadn’t done that? What if I had noticed a change in movement sooner? Would it have made a difference? Probably not. And that’s what makes it so hard to wrap your mind around what happened. You start to blame yourself to cope.
I know in my mind there was absolutely nothing I could have done to save Logan. But my heart needs a little more convincing. It’s normal for the emense amount of love to spill over as grief and so many unanswered questions.
Self blame is where your mind goes because not having an answer is too much to fully accept. But one thing I’m slowly learning about self blame, it is a feeling, not an admission of guilt. What happened to me is not my fault. Going through the blame now, can fuel a purpose or passion later. One day all of the energy I put into blaming myself, will be put to better use. One day those what I’ve done wrongs will be turned into here is what I can do right, for others who experience the same thing.
I have experienced the greatest pain and every parent’s worse nightmare. But I am surviving it, one day at a time.