Thirty-Five

  Today marks 35 weeks that have passed since we lost Logan on Friday, May 13, 2016. What a coincidence that today is also Friday the 13th.

   It’s hard to believe that Logan has been gone for as long as I was pregnant with him. Time sure has a funny way of flying by, especially when you don’t want it to. 

    In thirty-five weeks we have experienced the ever changing high and low tides of grief. The crashing waves of grief seem to have lessened in intensity lately. The waves seem further apart and not so high. Maybe that’s the strength I’m gaining every day while I navigate the changing tides that makes it seem this way.

    Maybe a new opportunity I’ve been given has changed the tide a little bit too. Finding a purpose in the midst of grief. I accepted a nursing position in a pediatrics department where I will be cross trained for obstetrics. I will work with other loss moms, other couples, other families like ours when the time comes. Being able to help another mom like me, will be life changing. 

   I knew early on that I wanted to keep Logan’s memory alive and somehow help other moms who experience a stillbirth. I had no idea how it was going to happen, but it has. I truly feel Logan is what led me to apply for this new position.

   These past 35 weeks have really pushed me, beyond my limits, challenging me every step of the way. In 35 weeks I’ve learned I’m stronger than I ever could have imagined. I’ve learned more about myself during these 35 weeks of life without Logan than I have in my entire life. 

   I don’t know what the next 35 weeks have in store. But I do hope, continuing on this path of new normal will bring moments of joy amongst the sadness and continued growth. I hope our visit to the recurrent pregnancy loss specialist will yield some answers and lessen the burden of guilt my heart has carried in these past 35 weeks. I hope the next 35 weeks continue to build weakness into strength. I hope my gift can bring healing to another mom who joins the horrible baby loss club that no mom wants to be apart of. I hope the next 35 weeks continues to shape me into the person and mom I need to be for both my kids here beside me, and those in Heaven above me. 

   Sweet Logan, I hope your first 35 weeks in Heaven have been beautiful. Although I can think of no better place for you than here with me, I find a sense of comfort carrying you in my heart every day knowing you’re with other family members and your siblings we never got to meet. I know you’re not alone and I find peace in that. I will continue to shine your light and use this new journey to help others that experience this type of loss. None of this would be possible without you baby boy. I love you and miss you with my whole heart. 

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