Every so often I’ll get asked, “How are you?” My most common response is, “I’m fine” or “I’m ok.” And so many times the response back is “You’re just ok?”
It’s not that I’m so unhappy with my life that I can’t say I’m doing great, or awesome, or super. I really am just fine or ok. I will say that I’m feeling “happier” than I was at the end of last year. I say “happier” because I don’t know that happy is the best way to explain how I feel. I’m not sure that feeling better is a good way to describe it either.
I guess you could say I’m feeling different. I’m healing. I’m not moving on, I’m moving forward. I’m keeping my son’s memory alive. I’m in a different place than I was at the end of last year.
For me, change has been good. The change of place and change of pace has been both healing and therapeutic. I have personally connected with a loss mom face-to-face who just had her rainbow baby after her son, also named Logan, was stillborn. This fellow loss momma’s strength, determination, and perseverance is inspiring. We shared our stories of loss and brought each other to tears. Her story gave me hope. And the connection us loss mom’s share, is indescribable.
So when I say “I’m ok,” it’s not meant as a feeling of negativity at all. It’s meant as a feeling of difference, of coping, of continually healing my heart and soul, and living my life of new normal for my son. “Ok” is ever changing just like grief, but these days it’s filled with more positivity. Ok is not a bad thing. It’s just ok.