Little did I know one year ago today I’d hear those awful words that would completely turn my life upside-down.
One year ago today, I woke up thinking it was going to be just another work day, nothing unusual. Pregnancy was going great, no complications. I’d been feeling some Braxton Hicks. It reminded me how I was one day closer to meeting Logan, our second son, and what would have been our last baby. One day closer to his due date, June 15th. I was so much closer to meeting my son than I ever could have imagined.
I wish I could go back and tell myself then, what I know now. I wish I could have warned myself somehow. But I doubt it would’ve changed life’s timeline of events. I probably would’ve looked at myself like I was crazy.
A year ago today I never imagined the words I’d hear walking into labor and delivery would be, “I’m so sorry there’s no heartbeat.” I never would have imagined looking at the ultrasound screen, so still, so lifeless, so cold. I never would have imagined I’d be asked if I wanted to go home and gather some personal belongings and come back or just induce labor that evening. I never thought I would be discussing burial or cremation at 25 years old for my son. It’s just not something you think about for yourself at 25, let alone a child, a baby, it’s unnatural. Parents shouldn’t have to bury a child.
I never imagined a year ago my world would stop while everyone else’s kept going.
A year ago today I never imagined my faith would be rocked and I would question why God would allow something so horrible to happen, why an innocent baby never got to live his life, and he wouldn’t answer my prayers, but everyone else’s got a answer. They didn’t have to experience heartache, they got a positive response to their prayers while I felt like mine fell on deaf ears. I never imagined I’d question so many things regarding my faith and beliefs. I never imagined I’d be angry at God.
But a year ago today, I never imagined a bond so strong between a mother and son, that not even death could break. I never imagined my heart could be so full and broken at the same time.
And I thank Logan for that. 💙